We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
