I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
