she looked like the bat from fern gully.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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