Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
