I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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