I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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