you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
We just shotgunned beers for America
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
