ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
