I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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