she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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