How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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