If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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