Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
