He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
