There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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