youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
