i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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