I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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