I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
