I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
