I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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