just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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