So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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