Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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