We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
