If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Randomize
