my phone needs a breathalizer
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize