I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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