I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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