why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize