i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
