i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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