mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
