if i can run in heels then i can drive
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
