Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
