Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Randomize
