I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Found the puke drawer
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
