this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
