even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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