the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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