her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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