i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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