the condom got lost in my hair
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
