btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Where is the hickey?
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
