Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
