I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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