Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
