I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
