I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
