you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
