google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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