Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
