rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
