I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
