Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You dont lie about slip and slides
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
