I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
