Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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